saw a shrink

Business with Bananas

Originally uploaded by Malvasias

work managed to fit me in a session to see their recommended shrink

despite being able to talk for over an hour than the assumed designated 30 minutes, i think it was more about just touching base on the history of our relationship rather than getting into the gist of my feelings and anxieties that i’m postponing to feel

feel really uncomfortable blurting our your life story to someone i barely know face-to-face and i guess she was also having a hard time just trying to grasp on what islam partook on divorce

stupid indonesia indah ibu ripped me off with my lunch again. she barely gave me three tablespoons of rice to go with the dishes and charged me $14 all up but i do have a need to head done to the beach just to get my mind off things

just talking to the shrink just made me more depressed because it made me realise that i was bottling up more than what i’m revealing

just want to get away….but don’t have the funds nor the time off…

tuesday afternoon it suddenly dawned on me that i was back to being on my own again so instead of waiting 50 minutes for the next 377, i decided to walk it off, more like waddle coz of my tummy, from the mirrabooka bus station to home. it felt good just observing the nature amongst you (bushes really) but it was a beautiful day, had the fremantle docter blowing the heat away, had to make the most of it. apart from the many stitches i had and being overwhelmed by thirst, it did feel therapeutic but only temporary i guess.

can’t look for a quick fix to all this, need something permanent

i know that what i definitely need is more counselling sessions, preferably with someone who understands at least the context i’m in but just more constant affirmations that i’m doing the right thing and the best thing for me and bubba but i hate the feeling that i’m doing this on my own

i can’t go back on this, have to be strong but i feel so lonely

i have no idea what to do when the baby is out, just how i can support the two because i can’t rely on ayman…just worries me so much but even when i had a husband, that never helped either. was always living in extreme anxiety -never knowing how bad things might turn out the next day

just so hard to live with someone who’s so vague and doesn’t even know what he wants. who’s only living out what others need but not his own.

spoke to him last night to hasten talks for a divorce. he said he’ll only go through if i do it through the australian courts. he’s not letting me go islamically. but i asked him -why do are you not letting me go even when you don’t really want to be with me?

i’m tired of always been made to feel inadequate, incompetent, never beautiful or good enough, being disrespected. i’m not sure if i’ll eve be alive the next time he snaps. i hate being subjected to begging when needing anything. i don’t know what else i would gain by still choosing to be with him

yes, he might be good-looking but that does nothing to the relation. just nice to look at, helps with the attraction but doesn’t strengthen the relationship or friendship, doesn’t put food on the table or really makes one’s heart feel really content

i will miss having company but maybe he wasn’t the right one

i do fear that now that i’ll be having the kid that no one else would want me but then again its in Allah’s hands

you cant help but feel so denied, rejected (emotionally especially) despite being the one kicking him out not the other way around, but i think its gone to the point where i cant manage these emotions no more because its been going on and being buried one on top of the other for so long

yesterday when my team leader came in and heard what had happened because she had a flexi on tuesday, at first i thought she would just take me off the phones for 30 minutes but she was so nice to go out of her way and shout me coffee outside of work for another 30 minutes so that we can talk freely and not have people on the floor being nosey. its quite strict at the call centre and the more bums on seats the better but it was really good to know that she was willing to let me have any days off as i need and arrange more sessions with the shrink if i needed to

at nights i’m mourning of being alone again, in the day i go trying to emotionally sedate, numb myself to what i’m really feeling…just don’t feel myself

~ by nursheikha on December 18, 2008.

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