how will you write your own autobiographical drama?

if one was to write a autobiographical drama capturing one’s family like how eugene o’neill depicted with his in ( ) “long day’s journey into night” (1956), – how would it play out?
was watching an art doco about him yesterday on SBS. even though don’t feel like a living corpse as he did due to his absent, guilt-ridden junkie mother (-thank goodness my own mother never saw me as a punishment from God as his did when his older brother died from the measles, but she still does blame me for everything that goes wrong for existing even though its got nothing to do with me, the absent father is more my story), i still can comprehend his portrayal of a disfunctional family -where you’re exposed to the true realisms of life from such an early age and longed to escape to a place, refuge, that provides you with all that which you were entitled to, where you never felt belonged -the loneliness, and therefore spend the rest of your life’s journey trying to fit into something, trying to fill the void in your heart, the love and nurturing where your own parents had denied you with. to surrender yourself to the waves of the sea as a form of detoxication, to clean out all the scum thats building up inside of you and replace it with toxins that will replenish, revive, rejevenate you…thats how i feel when i go to the beach…
the only place i felt belonged is with my faith –Allah, as contrary to o’neill when he denounced christianity at aged 14 after being revealed of his mother’s true condition: her addiction to morphine.
to be honest, at times i don’t even feel like i truly belonged to my husband regardless of how much i dearly love him. Is it because someone else came near to my definition of “soul-mate”then he did? Is this right?
there’s also the issue of “being a sold out”. o’neill kept true to his art, his writing whereas his dad sold himself despite of his acting talents. I feel like i’m a sell out because i haven’t yet stuck to the path of which my heart yearn’s for. I still yearn to return back to my studies whilst i’m painfully paying for the years of not being to complete anything, hopefully gain my phd and truly affect and influence thinking through my writing, research, but i don’t know how especially when i’m married now and bubba’s on its way. hubby’s also feeling he’s missed his chance particularly when he did experience recognition in his late teens for his inventions. I’m just worried about how my kids will see me especially when i haven’t yet achieved much.
the only things that i’ve unrelentlessly committed to is islam (to fill the void in my soul, to feel belonged, nurtured, to define the meaning and purpose of my life) as well as love (so to be nurtured, to have the nurturing manner at a close proximity, physical, liveable sense). everything else has somehow just came by out of necessity. just wished my commitment to every other aspect of my life was the same…
just feel so frustrated…

~ by nursheikha on March 22, 2009.

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