leave if you ‘don’t love me….

ya Allah…

why have you made me love and be with someone who doesn’t love me the same way back…who’s only in the relationship out of pity/hesitation, not respect/anticipation…why have you made halal someone who sees me as another errand of life (get married, have kids, responsibility)…but not a reason to live, to feel alive and be dedicated to investing so much of themselves to have this relationship, partnership, marriage grow (yet alone friendship)…i married the one i love, i surrendered to Your strong indication that ayman was “the one” despite how imperfect he is…

why am i being punished/tormented/tortured for going alone this path? why is he so ready to call a divorce when i need to keep our marriage? he’s tried to run away from this fate, predestination that you have set for us but why can’t he simply accept it and be happy with what you give?…

is it better to see someone you love be married to someone else or you marry someone you truly love but not be loved back?

there were so many that were begging for my love, even one that came so close to my ultimate soul mate but why ayman and not him?

why am i even begging to even be touched, loved…even be hugged…because these things is like a death sentence for ayman…

why am i allowing someone stripping me from my humanity, heart by trying to be as cold-hearted and insensitive as he is?

even if i am doing all that he needs to make him happy, he will never be happy because i know i’ll never get the acknowledegement…

its easier to deny, to blame everything on me, to talk shit to me then to even treat me respectfully and honorably…

so i asked him why are you with me if you don’t love me…

why are you staying when you always feel like you’re being held back or feel abandoned when i’ve been by you, even the one encouraging you to follow your heart?

i might be married to you by ring, my paper, by body but not by heart…and that is what breaks my heart…devastates me…

that after everything…its still not enough for you to love me or even try to think well, the best of me ayman…

so i don’t know what will happen tomorrow…if i’ll still be married or let you…

for what point is there for me to tell ayman not to go when he’s always wanted to go, always regretting being married to me when he was my dream that i married…

i love him so much that i can’t see him suffer any more because maybe i love him too much…that maybe he can’t fulfil what i can…that he thinks only money can bring up a family, to bring up baasil…but not love, being there for baasil day in day out, guiding him, protecting him…no, to ayman, money covers that…

i feel to sad…

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~ by nursheikha on April 16, 2009.

2 Responses to “leave if you ‘don’t love me….”

  1. It’s a shame that Ayman cannot see his real heaven and happiness on Earth is YOU and BAASIL. I know you truly love him but he is a waste a fool to not even see his paradise right next to him which doesn’t cost a penny and yet it is priceless. All over the world, people are crying for such love and life so it’s a real shame when someone like Ayman gets it and hasn’t got a clue what to do with it (just ignorance and unnaturally desires for more things (Satan working his magic on him no doubt) when others would kill to be in his position, money or no money. I am so sorry and sad for you too.

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