women’s refuge -need to walk away




SMS (Save My Soul)

Originally uploaded by cctrilla

am thinking of staying at a women’s refuge for awhile…just to sort myself out and before ayman goes crazy and does something stupid again and also before baasil comes home because i need help…

i can’t rely on my family because they always pretend nothing’s wrong…or don’t even confront ayman…i can’t go to my friends because all remind me of how wrong it was to dedicate, more like sacrifice my life for him…either that or try to divert the topic to something really trivial…

we argued again today and even drove around to find a suitable place/carpark to argue more just to spare everyone at home some sleep than see their daughter/sister be patronised and demeaned again…

it got so crazy that instead of hitting me, was relieved he ripped his whole shirt apart due to his anger but what would he do next is the big question…

how can one think of the future today like buying a home, trying to build your own business when he’s solution to ending any problem is to end, walk away, need a divorce.

how can i ever feel secure, have peace of mind like this?

how can i need to have a family when he needs to break it?

i guess i’m just waiting for the time it will take for him to leave because he will eventually…

i don’t think there’s ever been a day when he’s treated this marriage, this family, this new life as a gift from God…more like always curses his luck…

he calls me a bitch, blames me for not being a good person, mother every other day…and has more respect for the actual whores he’s been with then the halal that Allah’s given…

just want to pack my bags and go…

get away from everything…

but when i feel like i’m going to crumble, when i see baasil -he reminds me that i need to be strong, to be confident…that i’ve all he’s got and i can’t let him down…

i know i’m not the only one has faced such dilemmas but i wonder how each single mother, battered woman has soldiered on…

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~ by nursheikha on April 18, 2009.

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