the telephone call…be your own best friend…




the telephone call

Originally uploaded by rockstro

did something bold today -sought help…called crisis care in the wee hours of morning after feeding and putting baz to sleep…

am getting ready an action plan when my qiyamah returns…

its easier to type here and pur out my feelings but not when you have to relay it to a person…

how do you not let him back into your life when he chooses to stay even after you’ve got the police involved?…how do i seek a divorce when he doesn’t want to let me go, particularly when he tells me every day as to why he never wanted to be married to me in the first place…that he never gained anything good by marrying me…what do i decide when part of me dreams and longs to be happy -and this with the ones dear to my heart -ayman and baz…i long to have a healthy relationship with hubby…to be a close, great family…can this ever be made possible? yet if ayman decides to leave tomorrow, i know i can survive…its just the mixed messages i have to put up with in the meantime…

in the conversation i asked if such electronic content like blogs, facebook, twitter can be used as evidence against him…she said to sought the domestic violence lega aid unit….-because at least the courts can see the chronology of events to support my case…

he passed his forklift exam today…as i was cleaning out his doco file i found the note written by the examining docter at royal perth hospital who had checked him the night i called the police over. the reason for the cut was ássault by wife with mobile phone’. when i asked him about this he just said if i could “fabricate” any harm hes done to me -like me suffering internal bleeding when i was 8 weeks pregnant with baz, with bruises all over my body is something i could fake, even a near-miscarriage after him pinning me down is something i can fake…then so could he…

what bullocks…if i had cut him by my mobile phone, why was it still in tact, why did he forcefully grabbed it from me whilst i was dialling the emergency number for the police…did he forget he had thrown the iron heater to the wall and it had shattered to pieces and some could jus happen to fly on his forehead and luckily not to basil? why was he still trying to stop me going through the bedroom door and after i did, was even trying to end my call once i got hold of the police?

since he’s now got this smart idea to cook up things, i’m starting to think of how i can prepare myself should he try to self-inflict himself again and cast the blame on me…yeah why not baasil too! especially when he was panicking last night thinking i had told the docs that he had been digging, excavating into poor baz’s nose so much and just letting baz cry in pain and this would mean then maybe he might go to jail after this…and he started to accuse me of trying to kill my own son again, even if baz sneezed he would still see it as me trying to kill baz because he thinks i can’t look after him right, yet is he ever around him and even the docs said last night that being premature, and looking how great baz looked yesterday, that we’ve or i’ve done a great job looking after him so far with no hiccups until now alhamdulillah…but even after the doc’s observation of baz (he had a bleeding nose which was due to the build-up of snot and virus of which is recoverable…this still wasn’t reassuring enough for him…

i asked her is there anything whereby i can be with other victims who are also trying to break away from this cycle as i told her just as much i have great friends, who’s advice is to leave ayman -which i’m not talking in therefore feel even more guilty and bad because i’ve let them down…and she said relationships australia do hold such support groups because i think just seeking counselling is not enough as i need people to be beside me t help me get through this as i can…to basically help me grow more stronger and better to enable me to make better, wiser decisions than i’m doing right now…

what really struck me deeply as -i’d asked her i didn’t know which decisions to take because my situation is so complex…she simply said..just imagine your best friend was in the same situation as you and was needing your help and advice…-what would you tell her? in the real world, if you don’t have anyone you can really go to due to the isolation -be your own best friend…

i broke down after that…

i had lost my best friends all because of ayman…

i have even lost myself because i have betrayed the many ideals i use to hold strongly…that use to make up NURMALA….and only withering away…

i told the councellor at crisis care that i’ve let my friends down by still being the same situation but she replied, these things are never easy to get out of and you are trying to do something about it, that at te end of the day what your friends would want is for you to be ok…

is this true?

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~ by nursheikha on May 19, 2009.

One Response to “the telephone call…be your own best friend…”

  1. You are doing the right thing by taking the steps to make your way out of an abusive relationship. Just be strong, have faith, Allah swt never stops watching over us or taking care of us. I am wishing you all the best, for you and your son.

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