the journey to being legally seperated




John Donne

Originally uploaded by marymachin

http://www.sparknotes.com/poetry/donne/section5.rhtml

we had another row thursday night…he wouldn’t budge to buy OJ or formula again…even when i told him to leave he refused, just thought it was another of one of our weekly heated arguments again that always end up in kissing and making up -but not this time…not when i came home yesterday and told him that i’d cancelled my support for his visa and that i’ll be reporting to centrelink next week to say that we are now SEPERATED with help from the women’s centre…-that he definitely better leave for good…

i hate the fact that he was quite shocked by this particularly when we’d been fighting about this throughout our 2 year marriage…that i want out…and he joked -all because he said no to buying orange juice…and i replied -because you never had in your heart to have me as your wife, to look after me and your son…he was complaining he was tired, not feeling well, when i’d had barely any sleep all week especially the might previously because baz had just had his 4 months injections…the shop was only 1 minute by car, but he wanted me to go get it in the dark and walking another 15 minutes in the rain might i add…at night! never mind if i get followed or kidnapped or raped…never mind if i get sick the next day and pass it onto baz on which he would definitely blame me for doing so…

had had enough of his saddistic, dehumanizing ways…making me beg for even the bare necessities…trying to control my spending…complaining of what a pain it is to look after me and baz….complaining that we don’t have a system yet he’s the one not willing to do his responsibility as the man of the house…willing to help others and preach Islam to others but practising it on his own family nor helping his own wife out…

and he asked why he’s not been able to save despite a bigger salary…and i told him its shaitan thats making you think you not have enough…that even if Allah gives us 10 million that hé won’t even feel the barakah/blessing out of that money because he didn’t want to spend for his family…

he didn’t think too much of his son getting immunised, even though he was crying day and night due to the pain and complications afterwards…but his english classes were more important…as well as him working on his little diy projects…

can’t stand living in this way…

what hurt me even more was when i was arguing with ayman, mum tried to intervene but instead of trying to mediate between us two, she told me to shut up because i was making so much racket late friday night (her holy night)…she even said i deserve to be hit because it was wrong for me to ask ayman to get out yet…and this is coming from someone who was forcing me to do the sunnah fast for syawal yet the fardh of a husband to do in islam she wouldn’t support knowing how dire my situation was right in front of her…and this is the same person who complains how dad doesn’t really maintain her well…i really wanted to say -just like you deserved to have you face covered in the face after dad hitting you when i was 11 and i had to accompany her in the ambulance to the hospital and decide whether my brothers and sisters ended up in foster homes because my parents were so fucked up?

sometimes i think -why is she even my mother…

she’s never stood up for me…or even tried to truly protect me…

the very people who were suppose to be my circle of trust, love, support, protection -totally and utterly failed me…

i can divorce my husband but how can i be divorced by her?

yes she bought me into this world but i was brought up by others…

now that ayman’s out…starting to think how i can get more $$$…am thinking of going back to uni since í’m still on maternity leave…and also find another place to stay because i’m getting killed both ways…

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~ by nursheikha on July 25, 2009.

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