COUNSELLING AT A WOMEN’S REFUGE

actually plucked up the courage to go to a refuge today…why i say say “pluck”, because this would have been my other reality had i decide to leave my family…especially because of mum…

anyways i chose the patricia giles centre http://www.patgilescentre.org.au/ because the ones near to me was too close to comfort…just reminded me of my usual surroundings, my usual stresses and pressures, my usual heartbreaks with life, with love, with family…so had to find somewhere further away but where it didn’t remind me i was in a low class locality…

and i liked the fact that it wasnt branded a refuge, but had other services too…

i guess my idea of a refuge was another untraceable prison but when i went to this place, it was actually in a safe, well-off suburb…hidden away but so peaceful…was like a home away from home…close to life’s necessities for not only you but the kids…

i wished when i called the cab the stupid ditsy girl on the end could understand that because its a women’s refuge -a top secret place that they’d be able to send a designated driver who knew where the place was but no! i was lost as much as this somalian guy was when we tried to locate the refuge…

it really looks like another surburban unit homes grouped together, just like when you see those of the elderly…

anyways, the reason why i saw a counsellor because in the pamplet one of their services was help with referrals to agencies like centrelink, homeswest…surviving solely on the baby bonus i needed extra dosh so when i asked if they could help me out the lady said they could do that after speaking to one of their counsellors…

it wasn’t until i started talking to this lady that i came face to face with the overwhelming new reality that i have chosen -to be a single parent raising a little kid on my own…the person i sacrificed just to be with the one i loved who didn’t really want to be with me…

i had to go through with this next step… to hear someone acknowldege my suffering face to face because its been so long since i had any physical contact and one that could relate to me…because it only made me feel confident and sure i was making the right decision…

sure at night ayman haunts me…i still cry due to the loneliness…the fact that my security, my heart/love, my dream to have a family is now gone because its just the 2 of us, to remember the many things that i did enjoy about ayman…but i dont know if it would have been any different even if he wasn’t in the picture…it would still be me totally appreciating the other but not getting anything in return…not being nurtured, acknowledged, appreciated…

baz can only laugh when he sees me crying because he doesn’t yet fully comprehend whats happened…just wish he’s always laughing with me no matter what we go through in life…

the counsellor really found me to be quite a feminist, idealistic, independent, passionate, articulate, honest, brave…and she could relate to my confession: THAT I HAVE BETRAYED MYSELF, NOT BEEN TRUE TO MYSELF, TO WHAT I BELIEVED IN…that all this was killing me…

killing me for every second i took him back, wanting to work through it all, to give it a second chance, to forgive him for his misdeeds only indirectly allowing him to hurt me more…i resented every moment…

it killed me when he did not let me be me, imprisoned, shackled, violated, humiliated my true self…

i’m just so glad i took this step on my maternity leave or else it would have been disasterous had i still been working…

she also made me realise how much i was hoping to compensate the lack of love and nurturing from my parents, the lost of childhood to my life-partner, to hope that my husband would be able to fulfill this need, this dream but he was just like them…

so who can i rely on to look after me?

i guess it has to start with myself and my trust in Allah…

i wish someone else could also accept my vulnerability, the need for love and acceptance, my self-destructiveness and help me through it…for me to be able to share this with someone and know they will be loyal and there with me all the way…

but i think this is another chance for me to change the way i see myself…my self-image…am i the real victim but do i also encourage this? i feel like part of me does…

anyways i have another session with her next monday…

for the time being, it does feel liberating talking my heart out to another…particularly since i hate sharing such personal things in person…

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~ by nursheikha on July 28, 2009.

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