divorce inevitable

i may have been wanting a divorce but facing it is a totally different story/experience…and it might be just around the corner for me…FOR REAL!!! -because we’re already not living under one roof and i don’t trust him on his own because he is A MAN and even if we tried to get back together, the issues/problems will never go awa, especially when we never see eye to eye…

ayman dropped by to see baz right after maghrib…at the same time we also chatted…chatted about our future in a more well-behaved, mature way this time ’round…

i didn’t expect him to say where he lived, whether or not he’d gone to see the immigration because its “no longer my business” as he put it…the reason why i asked was the last time i tried to cancel his visa -when the department finally did get hold of him, they said he had 25 days from when he was contacted to appeal before being forced to leave the country…when i was at the immigration department the dude did say that there’s a chance he’d still be allowed to stay in australia because of the best interest of the child…he did say he wanted to go back to egypt once he did his tax return…

he did try to play the guilt card by trying to make me feel bad about making him leave so that baz will grow up not having/knowing his father…and to be honest, its killing me…because i still love ayman…in my mind/heart -he’ll always be my husband, my love…i dont know why he should deserve so much of me but that is what my heart say…i miss him…and so does baz…

he’s been hard to settle and put to bed because he’s so use to a noisy bedroom -ayman’s snoring…and when it gets too quiet he knows that no one’s there beside me or even when we’re beside him watching telly, he’ll still give a little peep during his sleep just to make sure we’re really there and its not something in the background to fool him that we are…

í am grieving over my shattered dream -to be married and spend the rest of my life with the man i love, as well as have many kids together and see my own career take off and be successful but i guess you cant always have everything…i just don’t feel like doing anything because i’m so saddened about my fate, that i feel like ‘my happiness is always cut short due to something, especially with the thing i need, dreamed of the most…when i’m washing the dishes i wonder of what my fate with me…when i’m feeding baasil or changing his nappy i fear about how well i’m going to take on the challenge of taking care of baasil all by myself…he only laughs when he sees me cry…he laughs at anything when he sees something new…my customers haven’t received their brochures and this numbered campaign’s about to end this wednesday and so far i’ve only got 2 orders…i just feel too lazy to get out, to do my walks…just feel like hiding underneath my blanket and sleep all my troubles away…

i was quite stunned, speechless when ayman said he never said or thought of me as a bad wife…that i am good…and that he’d want baasil to marry someone like me, with strong ideals and convictions, but i think what got in the way was what he called my “strong personality” (?)…-really!?!?!? that we both wanted to be leaders…my interpretation -i just wanted to be respected just as much as he wanted to be respected…ayman’s interpretation of it -i was a threat to his masculinity because to him -the man always lead and the woman surrender and submit unconditionally, no buts. he never saw that i already senselessly did this out of love, nor did he felt it either, and that was hard for me to accept.

but i am still shocked to hear him compliment me about that because all this time i’ve always felt i was weak, especially to my ideals, that i was the compromising one, the one not strong enough to stick to her guns because of love…that because of love, she turner her back on everything she stood for, basically herself, just to get ayman to love her…

and its been crippling, poisoning me ever since…

baz woked up in the midst of our discussion so ayman was able to give baz a feed, change his nappy, play with baz a bit -just like old times and he cried when the thought of never seeing his son again or much sank in…

right now he’s just waiting on what the immigration department will say…if they allowed him to stay, then he’d be overjoyed but if they wanted him to leave, then it would be him coming back to visit baz on a tourist visa…

as much as he’s hurt me, he does have a right to his son…i can’t keep him from seeing baz because how then can i face Allah if i did that? but in terms of doing whats best for baz…as much as it hurts to not have ayman near…because i am missing the little things he use to do when he was here -i know i cant allow baz to grow up seeing his parents constantly at war with one another, to see his dad not respect his mother, only hurting his mother because this would truly scar him for life, just like i am with my own parents…i need him to grow up respecting, protecting, honouring women…to be a great man, a beautiful soul…so i need to protect him from the ugliness that exists from his parents…and it hurts to see ayman not enjoy looking after us…yes he has this thing where he’ll sacrifice his happiness just to get what others want…thats what his family did to him, thats what he blames me for doing to him so i told him because i need him to be happy, to find some form of true enjoyment that i have to let him go…because i feel like i am making him suffer the way his family did…

if Allah writes that we come back together another time in the future, i do hope that its without his negative traits…but then again, thats him…he can’t change me, how can i change him?

career-wise, he does have some excellent ideas that i’ll always encourage him to pursue…because he feels like he’s time’s up as an inventor…but i guess not when he has a family can he pursue this because he will be torn between career and responsibility, of which he was with his family…

i think thats what our relationship has been about… physical as well as intellectual…we could have endless in-depth discussions about our theories, conspiracies regarding the war on iraq, palestine, iran, especially during breakfast, dinner, talk about who’s dissing the other in the big world…our minds were on par with one another when it came to the externals things but it was so difficult to get our hearts speak to each other…to discuss the things that involved us as a couple…and this really killed me, because i wanted the whole package -husband/best friend/soul mate/lover/confidant…

i really do wonder what our relationship would be life once i am divorced from him…whether it would be better…because it has been with my other ex’s…we’ll see inshaállah…

i always play this song when i’m depressed…this is a malay version from the korean original


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~ by nursheikha on August 1, 2009.

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