updates from home…

its been awhile since i’ve said anything on whats going on at home isn’t it?…

well…ayman is still out, actually sharing a house with 2 other blokes (and i’m hoping only blokes) 10 minutes from here, but he does pop by every day to see baz since he’s out of work…is trying to get a 1st class welding cert to improve his chances for work because nearly every place is asking for trade qualified persons, especially his old work place -sandvic…is realising how fortunate he was to have worked there because no other place is offering a good pay and quality work conditions for a welder as sandvic did, particularly with overseas qualifications…

we both did interviews with the child support agency today to go through all our details before our assessment’s finalised…am thinking of getting the agency to collect the funds just in case ayman does do a stingey on me again, even despite helping him out with trying to do a welding course…

we both preferred to stay seperated but not divorced just yet to get some breathing space…the realities of having 100% responsibility for baasil is still quite frightening for me because i’m so scared of the future -particularly if i can rise to every occasion and deliver as the best/good mum in the world, so that baasil turns out a beautiful soul…that i’ve been able to teach him the best and important things that one must know -especially when i had to learn all these things myself without my parents truly nurturing me…

i feel like i’m walking on a tightrope when it comes to loving baz because just as much as i adore him to bits, i fear i might love him uncontrollably -so much that i might put unrealistic extremely idealistic expectations on him just as i did with anyone else i loved (i.e. my parents, ayman)…basically i’m scared to love again (be it with myself or with my own son) for fear of more rejection and heartbreak…but then again this is where it should start to a new beginning, a new life…a newer experience, a new freedom…

i’m still going to counselling every mondays and i have to say, as i’m seeing ayman crumble, i feel like i’m strengthening within…

my counsellor made me realise i’ve married my family when i married ayman because he’s just like my parents and that i was only his property for him to dealt with anyway he like…and that i have to stop rescuing people when i’m the one who needs rescuing myself…then i can eventually let ayman, my parents go from my seige for love or anyone for that matter…

it does feel good to once again gain control of my finances, to make decisions to ensure my son gets the best -be it physically, intellectually, emotionally…to let my motherly instincts reign free and supreme and not be pinned down by anyone, to feel confident in myself, to look forward to the future, to my dreams as well that i had sacrificed, along with my values and ideals…it feels good to welcome them back into my world again since i had to desert them when ayman came into my world…

but i do miss having those discussions about everything under the sun but our relationship with him…and it is hard to not still be attracted to him phsyically and not wish at the back of my mind the intimacy we had…because when he’s got most of me in his hands…

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~ by nursheikha on August 14, 2009.

One Response to “updates from home…”

  1. I sent the letter today Mala. I think the councillor is saying everything I said, but the difference is you are willing to listen now and realise that who you are is the most important.

    Remember Mala, i saw Ayman’s true colours before you did. He doesn’t respect your personality or your views…if he had he would have been far more respectful.

    You are a great person Mala. But please do not doubt who you are and that you will be a great mother.

    Those who have met you know this…you did not have idealistic views of love. You just settled for second best when it came to your husband…

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