“feeling low” days

Day 349

Originally uploaded by zap451

feeling a little low at the moment…

just thinking… -is this it?

am i going to stay like this, single forever?…even after baz grows up, has a family and lives his own life…am i going to grow old alone with no company? especially when i’ve searched most of life looking for one up to now…

i’m scared to think about getting married again even after i get divorced due to trust issues…i don’t trust baz with his father due to his habits, how can i leave baz with another man…and i know i’ll be torn between the 2 in terms of loyalty, especially if his stepdad has problems with him…

i’m scared to let go again, be vulnerable and share the good and bad with someone because i’ve been so disappointed, hurt…

i’ve lost hope that i can ever have a connection and my destiny sealed with that person, that another person would ever want the best for me and help me achieve it…maybe partly because i know now that it doesn’t take another person to complete me…that thats the journey i must undergo myself…but its nice to share it with someone…someone who wants to be there for it as you do for them…

i’m also scared to lose my freedom again…especially to not be able to have my own money, career, dreams and sacrifice it all because they think its un-womanly…

i’ll be losing too much but is that my destiny? to be alone?

only Allah knows…


~ by nursheikha on September 8, 2009.

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