baz, my little man…a year on


Originally uploaded by nursheikha

(baz in tux on eid)

can’t believe it was this time last year that i had just started training at bankwest and had found out i was pregnant again and now to be completely interactive with this bub a few months later -holding him, playing, reading, feeding him, sleeping beside him, cuddling him at night especially when his hand searches out for me, my touch at night, even more when he’s hungry….

when he first came out he seemed so fragile and so premature, so underdeveloped i was worried as to how long my life would be with this abnormality…looking at the videos we took whilst he was in the special care unit -he could barely open his eyes, every movement seemed so tortoise-like, all he did was sleppr…

because he was always behind the glass incubator, was worried if he’d ever know who his mother was as he was handled by so many nurses and doctors and all i could do was try to get him use to breastfeeding and knowing my smell during the few times i was allowed to carry him as well as change his nappy…

and now he gives me the blackmailing look as if i’m about to desert him whenever i let someone else hold him, his eyes follow me as i leave the room…or whenever he sees a new face or even seeing his dad again after a week and they’re holding them, he’ll look at them and then at me for confirmation to make sure that its all cool…or when i’m watching the tv, catching up on the news he’ll wait until i look at him, even nudges my arm for me to look at him before he gives me one big gigantic smile and chuckle that he was able to get my attention…and when he smiles, your heart just melts…

i’ve never had anyone try to win my attention, affections, approval in this way…even though i know it will change as he grows up…its nice…

was watching bits and pieces of this french film and the last bit really got me when he finds out his girlfriend had been pregnant all this time after finally being able to write something in his own name and they had to be rushed to the hospital because her water broke…when they were in the delivery room he kept on saying can’t she hold the baby inside just a few weeks, months longer…it reminded me of myself because i was saying that the morning baz was ready to pop out…all that time all that was ringing in my head was ‘oh my god, i’m not ready!’…and when baz did come out….a few hours later after the delivery, can remember having a quiet prep talk with baz in the special care unit, surrounded by other cubled of premature babies, introducing myself to baz as his mother, to the world, promising him i’ll teach him, give him the best i can to my ability…apologizing him for not being prepared…it felt very surreal…because i hadn’t yet envisage of what the first day would be like because i thought i had another month to dream, plan it…

he does remind me that my life worth living despite everything….alhamdulillah


~ by nursheikha on October 4, 2009.

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