hypothetically…if you’re hubby gets a hard on from seeing courtner cox flash herself in cougar, is that cheating?




day 89

Originally uploaded by Photomish Dan

hypothetically -would you get furious and consider it disrespectful/cheating when you find your husband just happens to say “fantastic” and gets a hard on after seeing a woman flash herself and you’re just beside him and had just been intimate with him?

i did warn him by squeezing out his balls and nearly dislocating his penis that if he does this again, both items will literally get chopped off from his anatomy…this was a few days ago…but i still can’t get passed it…

we had another fight last night and ended up not going to the australia day fireworks because he promised to get me an iphone for my birthday but is using that money to go buy a used komatsu loader in indonesia to be shpped to egypt and then later have it be used as part of his business there…

what got the argument quite heated was the fact that i feel i’m giving my all but getting nothing for it, that his idea of a woman, a wife is only to be a slave that must be forced to live on whatever morsels he happens to contribute towards my life, especially as a husband,,,that if he had married an egyptian woman -she would “understand” this…that she wouldn’t even call the cops and tell her husband to get out if he mistreats her -and i responded that because of this -thats why all the arab countries are centuries behind from the world as a punishment from Allah because they don’t treat their women good like they should! whats wrong if a woman exerts her rights, thats honoured by God!

even when baz shits or cries, ayman plays deaf or invisible or says its not my job…

i hate having my needs sacrificed for some business venture that i know will never reap the material rewards from all because he doesn’t see my needs or happiness to be important…

but then comes the question of why i went back to him in the first place…

i’m kicking myself for it…all because i dreamed of being a family with ayman…but do i have to accept that it will always be a dysfunctional one? just like my parents?…

part of me wishes i somehow was landed with a million dollars by a very generous donor and with that i bought my own place so i don’t have to go back to my parents and make my dad think i’m stuck with him having to look after me even after i’m married and with child…get lap band surgery to get rid of the mountain of fat i’m carrying and then extra plastic surgery to sculpt the aftereffects of being overweight…invest/save the rest…get back to work…even travel a little…whlst studying…and maybe make good money and be able to travel with the things i love doing in my free time -singing, art, critiquing films, photography…

i wish!

but realistically, coming back down to earth now…it has made me think just when i should get back to work so i can save up to at least get my own place since i can’t even get what i need for home -groceries even…esepcially i’m getting nada from centrelink and i’m using most of what i had to make up for whats needed in the house…

question: was it right for me to remind ayman of his responsibilities as a husband/breadwinner of the family? or should i just complain to Allah about this but not voice my complaints to the one not doing his job?

i’m just not in a positive state of mind at the mind at the moment…just don’t feel sure of myself…

also, got pissed off at ayman for not wanting me to come along with him to purchase this komatsu loader to indonesia despite the fact that i can speak indonesian, look indonesian and am not that trusting/skeptical with people, unlike ayman who always get scammed by the most shadyest of peoples…

also knowing how skanky and gold-digging a lot of indonesian girls there are especially to foreigners, especially to arabs -god knows how many wives he might’ve hooked up with, including prostitutes -since he thinks its ok to call someone their wife if he just spends a night with them only to fuck like he did years back when he was in korea…

do i need to feel this insecure all my life whilst i wait and hope for a change in ayman?

also, another question:

is it wrong to wish, longed to feel, be looked after? to be loved, acknowledged? feel exclusive, special?

i didn’t get it from my parents…now not even from my husband…is this just not meant for me?

am i suppose to always settle for loneliness, not feeling wanted?

i know i can take care of myself, pamper myself good but the world treats me otherwise…

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~ by nursheikha on January 27, 2010.

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