*be able to sleep after 2 horrible nights at a dodgey, filthy, run-down motel
*re-assured i’m on the right track -even if it means being on my own and affirmed that i can still make it, succeed, be the person i’ve always dreamed myself being even as a single mum
*enjoying having to hide out, to stay safely away from danger, from ayman, if ayman knew where i am -he’d be cursing himself
*felt exhausting but good to blurt out 4 years of my misery with ayman and someone understand what you were on about. so many times i heard people play this down, deny, abandoned me when i needed help with this…

*finally did my shopping after being given $160 worth of iga food voucher
*able to go to Coles to get halal meat and baz essentials that i couldn’t find in iga. so bored of vegetables and tuna
*re-assured controlled crying with baz ok. need to teach him who’s the boss. regaining control and power over own world. funny how i use to unconsciously allow others run my life, even my own son and he’s not even one yet!

*dobbed one of the refuge workers for being frosty. if don’t know how to be compassionate, approachable, resourceful -shouldn’t be here. pisses me off when there people who’s position is to help you and they don’t deliver -already have my parents/family, husband on the list…
*unable to apply for advanced payment since been off centreink’s register to cover at least a month’s rent bcoz ayman is getting ready to move out and divorce me but am now back on single parenting payment, have got appointment set and restarted child support case -which was enough hints for ayman to know i’m no longer coming back as a wife. could have delayed it but have to be honest -want out
*called bankwest/hr. maternity leave ends on 29/3/2010. glad i called coz was expecting it to be in may after annual leave that i took with it last year. am suppose to have one of the managers call me back to discuss hours.
*have decided to go full time and have mum babysit baz instead of day care. its just a cheaper option and i know baz will be looked after by someone else who loves him dearly too.
*gave the refuge management a list of what i expect them to be complete before i leave or else i’ll feel as if i’m being in another prison -coz they have curfews, don’t babysit, expect you to do chores (looks like i’m the only one coz the place looks like a hole) and you still have to pay rent

THURSDAY (day four)
*called real estate to let me know when ayman stops paying. hope doesn’t do a dodgey on me and sticks around until the middle of next month if he cared about his son
*was able to get the child support officer to help me with baz’s sleeping routine/daily schedule because its unliveable. i’m exhausted, baz is exhausted -does affect his ability to develop and learn. just surprised about how fast/easy it is for baz to pick up things i teach him. for example, use to take hours for me to get him to sleep. automatically here -once i introduce triggers like quiet storytime, put him in a cot along with his bottle of milk and tell him its sleep time, before you know it he’s snoring. the did introduce baz to controlled crying -which was hard at first because i know he’ll wake up after his sleep and have a whinge about it but its something that has to be done in order for me to let him know who’s the queen. was more difficult to watch him make mistakes and take a step back so that he can learn from it like falling on the side and not catch him, crawl on the floor and not worry about how dirty the floor was even if i’ve cleaned it myself or have him be frustrated so he can start doing the next thing up for example be bored of just crawling that he needs to run if he could. made me feel like a real mother, teacher…was difficult to let go because i just want him to be ok…but overall felt good seeing baz have fun, be happy even outside him home because i wasn’t sure whether he’d adjust or not…and this is minus all the nagging and demonizing i normally get from ayman in terms of looking after baz…


~ by nursheikha on March 11, 2010.

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