bored as…still at the refuge

baz has been asleep since 7pm, am praying he stays so all night because last night was a struggle…was screaming his lungs with short breathers for 3 hours last night and an hour or so 4am this morning so most of the day was pretty much catching uoth lost in the last few daysp on the beauty sleep that we had lost in the past few days…

baz still has the snuffles…was the first time he ever got any sort of fever (this was 2 nights ago)…what was worse was had to wait until morning and shop for some baby panadol because the refuge had none…was blaming myself all night for putting him in this situation…blamed myself for not keeping the place clean enough, letting him play on the floor – even though there are other kids here that make it stay grotty…and to even mix with them…but the ladies said if his immune system doesn’t go down now, he’ll have a hard time when he’s older…-i should hope so…

but it was good that we had the whole refuge to ourselves and could make as much noise as we want…

the ladies pointed out that as i’m feeding baz during his meal times that that should be the same time i eat as well, so to encourage good eating habits, communication and trigger a signal that eating means special time with mummy. i use to wait on ayman and then we all ate as a family. i guess its still important to reinforce this routine even when its just us two.

whilst i’m waiting (forever) to get a decent hsdpa signal with my wireless modem (its usually gprs), i’m cleaning, mopping the floors of the refuge, doing the laundry at night…can’t believe the things i use to hate doing as a kid is what’s keeping me relaxed, sane during this dilemma i’m having…

ayman still thinks i’m lying when i told him that i can’t contact him, even see him whilst staying in the refuge…am tossing about whether or not i should put a restraining order on him and make him divorce me in writing so i don’t have to see him because i don’t know how to face him in person or even try to negotiate visiting times with baz…i’m worried that i might crumble and take him back and forget about going solo…i’m also enjoying this peace and quiet…decisions, decisions…

i’m actually sharing this refuge with another mum and her 2 young kids…her situation is that her hubby was too overly controlling and clingy…wouldn’t even let her go to the bathroom even without him tagging along and it came to a point where he thought if she didn’t love him, then no one else would and was prepared to kill her if she hanged around much longer…she’s been here for over a month now…i try to get as much tips, advice from her especially when it comes to the housekeeping because some of the staff can be unapproachable at times…

just good to know that i’m not alone…that i could share my experience with someone who’s also going through the same thing and be understood and not doubted…

its been such a long time since i surrounded myself around the sisterhood…be womanly without having to compromise the things men/society want us to compromise…it was what kept me grounded and true to myself…what surprised me even more was this girl saw me as someone happy-go-lucky…i’m like wow -do i really hide my pain that well! or it that i’m coming back to my old me? perhaps…we shall see…

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~ by nursheikha on March 14, 2010.

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