loneliness in this emptiness



tightrope [27/365]

Originally uploaded by holly.skye

its 7am…i’m all alone,suppose to get ready. normally breakfast in the city before i start, easier…ayman’s gone to work, starts at 6am and baz stayed over mum’s…lucky he did coz we had quite a big storm just before fajr…the house looks like a pigsty, can’t be bothered cleaning it up because its not my mess anyways and i guess it pretty says what my state of mine is right now…

this should be my “me time” but i can’t help but feel so much sadness in this emptiness…

ayman finally did admit that if he left us, -which he will because he’s preparing to go to japan and taiwan, he’d still continue with life as if nothing happened, as if we were never part of it…the last part is what is hurting me…

it has dawned on me how little he’s ever loved me, of all the things he’s complained he’s sacrificed -the one thing he never gave was his heart to me…and i can’t believe i’ve been sitting around for 3 years hoping and waiting that some day he would -when really for someone like him, is impossible to do…

i feel like this marriage is a sham, that i’m living in a lie thats imprisoning me…

i also feel bad not being able to spend enough time with my son…i’m just so scared that he won’t love me because i don’t think anyone ever has regardless of what i do for them…or what they are…

i feel so unloved, from my parents to my husband…and its not a nice feeling to have lingering around day in day out…

and the onus is always put on me to make people love me -thats what ayman said…why can’t they love me from themselves like it really should be…

but again, the should be’s in my life never really are…

i never felt the warmth of my mother or father…

Allah wrote in my fate to have this marriage with ayman but doesn’t mean there’ll always be love or respect, even any observing of islamic duties and responsibilities and spirit within the relationship…

sometimes i feel i’m not able to be close with my son…

i am craving for real warmth and closeness to someone….

Advertisements

~ by nursheikha on May 13, 2010.

One Response to “loneliness in this emptiness”

  1. Awww honey, take your complaints to Allah. In time, He will find you someone who deserves you and will make you happy. You are in my du’as xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: