nervous,anxious

spending the long weekend at mum’s

tuesday went half after lunch after being food poisoned.ate at maya masala-the food tasted more chinese, overdued then indian so caught taxi home

yesterday took 2 sleeping pills the night before to help me sleep,ended up feeling so drowsy and out the next day.even vomitted by the time i got home in the shower. couldn’t stomach anything,even after i had slept and gone to mum’s. ended up chucking that down the sink too. and no -i don’t think i’m pregnant. would be obvious if i was.

i guess i’m feeling nervous, counting down to the moment ayman finally say his talaq bcoz he did say before i left for mum’s that he’ll never be back here again.

been catching up on sleep and preoccupied with baz that have not had anything but banana since this morning. just don’t feel like eating. -will it be this week that i finally welcome my single-ness?

part of me wants to let go of the immense regret for waiting for someone even after marriage to love you, putting up with his shit and knowing he’d walk away from this relation unaffected. that he could again.

i’m feeling that this is it for me bcoz i don’t trust any man with my son -too many creeps around and i don’t want to be torn in terms of loyalty if baz and his stepdad clash. it will always be to baz.

so my next step is to be financially independent from my own sweat and to really find myself, my real inner voice again and reconnect myself to Allah more deeply than i’ve ever been before…

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:in bed,at mum’s

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~ by nursheikha on June 6, 2010.

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