ayman out once more



rays

Originally uploaded by PaytonGuerra

this is how i feel from this whole experience as of today…

-drenched with exhaustion, overwhelmingness, numb to push myself up again…coz its already the 5 millionths, 905th thousands…-times since i’ve tried to jumpstart my own life from ayman…

and today, him handling over the keys was what smacked me to reality -thats its over (despite the fact that when i did come home there was still no talaq notice grrrrrrrrrrr) and this was the first time i’ve ever ended a relation be it love or friendship -in person…

and i wanted to cry, let out the biggest sob but i had to hold it until my sister drop me off home…when i saw the sofa bed where he spent most of his time in the living room -thats when i broked down and made me started to miss ayman…-wish he had taken it!

all i could do was just touch the throw that he use to sit on…when i opened the cabinet i was hoping to see something he had left behind for memory but it was empty…

i feel like someone had walked out on me without even saying goodbye…even though i knew it was in the books…but just didn’t prepare myself enough for the “when”…

i was thinking of taking the day off from work to “recover” but because the house needed a good clean from the grott he left behind in the last 3 days just the whole process of cleaning seemed somehow therapeutic? -that as i’ve watched episodes of 2 and a half men, men vs wild, bits of csi miami and glee -at the same time budgeting -(am worried about how i’m going to manage the rest on my own) -doing the laundry, enjoying this clean apartment, scented with orchid blossoms, citrissy scents has made me somewhat forget what had occurred earlier…

if my feeling could be summed up in a song…it would have to be by this israeli eurovision song that really moved me…

i know i know-the flotilla drama at the moment but when i heard this song, it just spoke to me deeply…

Words

The sadness is here again, the fear is here again
and the end is at my window.
Broken glass and silence again
exhausted and forsaken in my mind.

The light fell asleep, tears of blood are burning my throat
scratched handle, fallen ceiling
While I’m singing the last song to you.

You’ve left me nothing but words, shelter in the shadows
tidy books and in between the rooms
you’ve left me nothing but words, a wreath of locks
Oh God, you’ve left me nothing but words

The walls are silent now and what did you take when you ran away
Yes, what did you take? You might have won this war
What am I left with when you are gone?

You’ve left me nothing but words, shelter in the shadows
tidy books and in between the rooms
you’ve left me nothing but words, a bouquet of locks
God, you’ve only words behind

Even the ice feels cold when I remember
How today you stand before him, a light in his shadow
Breaking for him the words you’ve left
you are now telling him

You’ve left me nothing but words, shelter in the shadows
tidy books and in between the rooms
you’ve left me nothing but words, a wreath of locks
Oh God, you’ve left me nothing but words

these were some of the other songs that i loved

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~ by nursheikha on June 7, 2010.

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