addicted to…love



Day 498 – Day 133

Originally uploaded by rhome_music

took another blood test at royal perth hospital as part of the monthly check up with the trial drug i’m on for p/e (pulmmonary embolism)

marina -one of the co ordinators said my blood pressure’s really high, need to see the doc and at the same do something quickly with regards to my weight before i suffer a heart attack…

told her might have something to do with my current marriage arrangement -back at parent’s for the time being because ayman was starting to seriously get violent and dangerous…i didn’t wanted to get into the details at first because the wounds were still fresh so just said he was up to no good again and they assigned to usual male laziness…

but i told them that on monday night, he didn’t like the idea of me challenging him, telling him that it was wrong for him to make fun of my medical condition, of gasping in the middle of the night/not breathing and him only associating animal sounds with it, exaggerating every tedious thing that goes against his liking like not wanting to scrub myself down with apple vinegar because he things this will help with my circulation…so in order to shut me up because we were still in the car arguing, just at the gates of our apartment, had just said goodbye to mum coz she was off to malaysia tomorrow, he went to forcefully grap my jaw and tried to lock it…this made me even more furious so i did the same thing back to him and he tried to do it more harder and tried to break my jaw and thats when i slapped him and said to stop and screamed domestic violence as he attempted to do the same to me but i shielded my arms and because he didn’t want the neighbours to see from their windows, he took us for a drive…along loftus street all the way down to newman college, past edith cowan claremont campus when he stopped on secluded road surrounded by bush on both sides…thats when he told me to get of the car and wanted to finish the fight…i got freaked out and told him to drive home or else i would be onto the police…

this was around 10ish-11. thats when i called my manager kate and told her i couldn’t come to work tomorrow and thats when i broke down in tears and told her everything whilst ayman was still shouting in the background. i just needed someone to know about this and who was brutally honest and reaffirm the path that i should be taking from now on and thats what she did…

the arrangement was because i couldn’t find anyone to look after my son, i offered to work in the morning and ayman in the afternoon so baz would always have someone with him because mum will be in malaysia for the whole month…when the time ayman didn’t even get around to confirming this with his supervisor…he had 2 months to get this arranged and it wasn’t easy for me to have my hours changed for him, he backed out and said because i’m baz’s mother i should naturally sacrifice not working and look after my son…

he resents me working yet doesn’t want to spend a cent on either me or my son and he gets paid well!

was a difficult night to go through coz i slept with one eyed open…coz i wasn’t sure whether he’d snatch baz away from me for good or that he wanted to burn down the whole apartment because the smoke alarm went off a few times and could smell something burning…

the next day he was spitting, cursing me, throwing things about as he prepared his iftar and when he’d gone off to work, that when after cleaning up, quickly packed to head to mum’s coz i wasn’t taking another day of this torture…

he phoned me up as i was getting ready just like the day when i tried to leave him to go to alex coz he knew he went too far but apologized for animal names he’d called mean and insists that i should stay, that if we were to go our own ways we should do it on a good note but i told him i’m going coz he was scaring me and just too dangerous to live with and he was about to get abusive again when i hanged up and waited for my dad to pick me up…

marina was telling me that i deserved better, that no one should ever go through such things coz she shared with me her sister’s experience and how because she chose to stay it truly fucked up the kids…and just telling another person of the things i had to put up with ayman made me ridden with guilt because i shouldn’tve allowed him back into my life…i was in the right, i should have stuck to my guns…as she was describing what a wreck her nephew is -drug addict, in jail, screwed up mentally, i couldn’t help seeing myself a bit like him too but in my case -coz i wanted so much to be loved…and this is what you get when you are willing to do anything just to get a dose of love from the one you love…

i did call crisis care regarding this guilt…and she said its part of the cycle of violence…that domestic violence victims normally leave and then reconcile before it becomes finalised…

i just know that this time, its sunked in…ayman was never mine from the very beginning, that he’ll never be mine by the way he is…

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~ by nursheikha on September 3, 2010.

One Response to “addicted to…love”

  1. This is a final wake-up call, you & Baz need to move on without Ayman. Otherwise, it will affect Baz when he grows up in so many negative ways.

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