lost in time, lost for words



DSC_2660E_Saturday morning coffee and news at Second Cup

Originally uploaded by Maurice P.

***updates***

resigned from bankwest in january-had enough of the pressure, lack of genuine managerial support, lack of sleep, being away from baz, being robotic

just came back from a 3 week holiday in malaysia…total disaster

initially was a trip to get away from everything, a breather…should have included mum as well

positives of the trip
-able to reconnect to the rest of my family after 11 years
-didnt need to remind myself of Allah when everywhere i looked reminded me so
-endless yummy halal food and an aunty ready to pamper you
-had a taste of a kampong/bandar wedding (cousin nurul got married)
-to know that my aunties were in a similar domestic situation as i was and understood what i was going through
-to put the record straight about how wrong mum’s been about me all these years and for not defending me when someone was wronging me

negatives of trips
-couldn’t go anywhere for most of the 3 weeks or do much. stayed in the jungle, at kampong. have never felt so isolated. regretted not being able to stay in kl
-was sick, had the runs for most of the time
-annoyed that i relied on mum thinking she would have travel ideas since would go back every few months only insisting we stay in the jungle and clean my grandparents house that all my other relies frequently drop by and use
-stupid travel agent stuffed my booking which took 5 times to fix, even gave me the most priciest fare valid for the shortest time. wanker
-mum made me fly malaysian airlines coz didn’t want to go budget. for this eid she’s flying air asia (budget) with little sis and going to places like langkawi -where i was planning to take her but she prefered the middle of the jungle

-had argument with mum yesterday all bcoz i bought doughnut balls and cappuccinno from muzz buzz and mum was forcing me to make doughnuts from scratch. i told her no and that there are more cheaper, tidier, convenient options and then she started to go on about how i will never change, that no wonder ayman wanted to leave me, that i deserved to be hit…i know, what the! that bcoz im not looking after myself the way she thinks its right, because self-indulging/pampering is a crime and sin, that she won’t be visiting me in hospital if i am admitted. so much for going to hajj!
-vodafone suspending my account and it hadn’t been a week all coz the calls mum made and coz i didn’t get their roaming package
-being broke coz had to pay for excess baggage. mum got greedy coz it was malaysian airlines and it was mostly her stuff that made us 80kg altogether
-basically felt that all that annual leave+pay that i had save up was for nothing

so cried myself in the rain, lucky this was in the evening. hadn’t rained for months. asked Allah what did i do to deserve this -to be constantly reminded of how much my mum has emotionally disowned me, now literally…

for a moment thought how wrong it was for her to be my mother…

then it came to me that maybe i should do what she could never do…instead of cursing me and thinking worse of me all my life, that i should ask Allah for her forgiveness and goodness in this life and hereafter in return for Allah’s love

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~ by nursheikha on April 12, 2011.

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