REJECTION, ACCEPTANCE



rejected

Originally uploaded by smemon87

HOW CAN YOU EVER GET USE TO BEING REJECTED? ACCEPT ALWAYS BEING REJECTED?

I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE HAS BEEN FILLED WITH MORE REJECTION THAN ACCEPTANCE…

WHAT’S MAKING ME FEELING THIS LATELY?…

WELL, JUST FINDING DIFFICULT FOR BAASIL TO LIKE AND PREFER THE COMPANY OF OTHERS, LIKE MY MUM, AND DEMONSTRATES THAT BY HITTING ME AND FIERCELY PUSHING ME AWAY WHEN ONLY MINUTES BEFORE WE WERE COOL, LAUGHING, JOKING…IS MY LIFE ALWAYS LIKE THIS WITH PEOPLE? THAT I CAN ONLY HAVE AN OUNCE OF HAPPINESS, RELIEF AND THEN IM YESTERDAY NEWS?

PUTS ME BACK TO MY CORNER OF LONELINESS, SADNESS…LONGING FOR SOMEONE WHO WILL CHOSE TO STAY…BUT IN LIFE, NOBODY DOES…SO WHAT WILL?

IM SO SICK OF IT…

REJECTED BY MOTHER COZ I WAS NOT PERFECT, COZ I WAS NOT HER, COZ I HAD NOTHING TO SHOW OR FELT I NEED TO SHOW TO PROVE TO THE WORLD IM SOMEONE…

REJECTED BY FATHER (ABSENT) COZ HE LOVED HIS PLANTS MORE (TRUST ME, THATS THE MAIN THING MY PARENTS EVER FIGHT ABOUT, EVEN NEARLY MADE US KIDS INTO FOSTER CARE) AND SAW HIS FREE SERVICE TO EVERYONE ELSE MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS FAMILY…

UNFRIENDED ON FACEBOOK BY THOSE WHOM BY FACE THOUGHT WE WERE REALLY CHUMS…I GUESS NOT…

REJECTED COZ IM NOT YOUNG, RICH, ELITE, EGYPTIAN, BLONDE, RUSSIAN, DESI, EUROPEAN, WITH NON-BROWN EYES AND A HOT BODY NOT A BALLOON, ATTRACTIVE, FREE FROM BLEMISHES, WHO’S NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL OR BELIEVE OR STAND UP FOR THINGS…AND HAD BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES -ALONE…

REJECTED COZ I WANTED LOVE, HAD DONE EVERYTHING DESERVING OF THEIR LOVE, MAYBE QUITE DESPERATELY SO BUT STILL WASN’T WORTH IT…OR BE USED, PUSHING THE LIMITS WHEN LOOKING BACK THAT IF THEY HAD MET ME NOW, I WOULDN’VE BEEN THE ONE REJECTING THEM…BUT IT SUCKS ALWAYS BEING THE LAST ONE STANDING…WITH ALL THIS PAIN, REGRET, HEARTBREAK…

REJECTED BY MYSELF…MY BODY THAT I’VE LET GO AND AM TRYING TO ACCEPT EVEN WHEN ITS NOT HEALTHY AND CAN SURRENDER ON ME AT ANY TIME…MY CONFIDENCE THATS EMPTY, ALWAYS NEEDING REASSURANCES FROM OTHERS TO TELL ME IM OK, TO URGE ME TO STILL FIGHT IN GETTING THE BEST, TO BE UP FOR A CHALLENGE WHICH I FEEL I DENIED MYSELF WHEN MY MOST RESENTFUL BANKWEST MANAGER CHALLENGED ME…BUT STILL, I FAILED AND COULD NOT SHOW TO MYSELF, TO EVERYONE I AM BETTER..COZ MAYBE IM NOT…

AND ITS THIS MINDSET THAT CRIPPLES ME…THAT MAKES ME TRY TO RUN AWAY FROM THE FEAR AND TRY TO BUY TIME…DREAMING OF FARAWAY LANDS LIKE A REFUGEE TO ONESELF BECAUSE I AM A COWARD IN THIS OWN BODY…

WHERE IS THE LOVE???

BUT AMONGST THE ENDLESS REJECTION THERE IS ONE THING I LOOK FORWARD TO WAKING UP, LIVING EACH DAY -THATS ALLAH’S ACCEPTANCE…COZ HE KNOWS BEST…

I DONT REGRET RESIGNING FROM BANKWEST, BUT IM NOT SURE IF IM READING TO BE IN ANOTHER WORK ENVIRONMENT, BE ABLE TO DELIVER DESPITE EVERYTHING, BE ABLE TO BLOCK OR MANAGE EVERYTHING, TO STILL STAY HEALTHY, TO CRUISE AMONGST WORK POLITICS, TO GO UP THE RANKS AND EARN MORE DOUGH SO I AM NOT A BURDEN TO ANYONE, THAT I CAN ENJOY WHATEVER I WANT AND STILL BE ABLE TO GIVE THE BEST TO BAASIL…

INSHA’ALLAH…ONE DAY…INSHA’ALLAH

ANYWAYS ITS 1:33AM TUESDAY AND IM WATCHING THIS ON TV…

BUT WHAT IM REALLY FEELING IS THIS…

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~ by nursheikha on May 24, 2011.

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